Changes are afoot in la casa de Raquel. I am clearing out clutter. Well, clutter is one word for it, but this here clutter was once yesterday’s must have item. I see how much I have changed and I have proof that I am growing. What once seemed necessary, today seems arbitrary.
I pulled out that black dress. The one I wore on the first date with him. I haven’t worn it in three years because it reminds me of only one night. I shoved it deep into the garbage bag. A few minutes later, I retrieved it. Why am I stuck on this dress?
Digging deep into the corners and crevices of my home and uncovering hidden clothes, or dismantling boxes or drawers that have existed intact for years is unsettling. I question and judge myself, “Why have you kept this so long?” Answers, like feathers, float into my mind and I see that the little girl, raised with little money, felt she must justify spending money on it by keeping it forever. The only reason she deserved to have it was if she made good use out of it. So, I’ve kept gifts that were unwanted, clothes I no longer wore, all for fear that I’d been wasteful with my money, or I’d need it someday. So, I show my appreciation by drowning in stuff.
Now I am into the deep stuff. I am getting rigorous. One of my favorite past times is sitting at a book store and reading books on Feng Shui and taking notes. Then I am inspired and I go home and move it out! I have recently gotten rid of any dishes that had any chips. I have purged all cosmetics that do not contain all natural, safe, non-animal tested products with a list of ingredients that I understand. Anything I don’t absolutely love? Gone. Any stained clothes or socks with holes? Outta here. I intend to own only items that have a good memory attached to them, are beautiful, healthy, uplifting and are fully functional and useful.
And yet, that dress. So there I sat. There I cried. As I held that dress I let myself marinate in the memory of the events that transipred as it clung tight to my body, much like he did. Those days, gone. I am moving on. And, truth be told, it is good. But, oh, my heart. As I age and see my life flow by and live out the answers to those questions, and realize that no, it isn’t gonna turn out babe, and no, you wouldn’t have wanted it to anyway; I purge the pain of my past and make a space for that new dream, only possible because of the dark nights of that past where I lived the contrast and birthed a new desire because of it. It was through that dress, and the night lived in that dress, that I am here today. So, I throw it away.
I am making space for the new to come and abide here in my palace. My heart. My bounty. I am opening up to receive greater riches. I am opening up to receive. Come. Come into my heart. I need not want what I haven’t got. I need not want what I’ve got, either. Not if it reminds me of him.