“I am in perfect balance. I move forward in life with ease and with joy at every age.”~Louise Hay
This morning, I would have awoken by 7:00 a.m. I would have dressed in the cutest outfit I could find for my special audience. I would have done my hair, bronzed my face, rosied my cheeks, lined my lips and filled in with gloss and headed off for my thirty-minute commute.
I would have stopped for coffee no doubt, as a room full of thirty fifth-graders is easier on three shots of espresso. I would have greeted them with my traditional hug, high-five, or hand-shake choice as they walked through the door, and at the bell, I would have said, “Good morning, class,” and waited for their resounding, “Good morning Ms. Haynes!”
Instead, I awoke to my lover getting up. I felt my swollen eyes from last night’s crying bout and I grumbled to myself in irritation about being awake so early. My hip hurt. I got out of bed and began some yoga, thinking of Louise Hay’s cause of, and affirmation about, hip pain.
In her book, You Can Heal Your Life, Hip pain originates from, “Fear of going forward in major decisions. Nothing to move forward to.”
The affirmation: “I am in perfect balance. I move forward in life with ease and with joy at every age.”
At this point in the game, I know myself well enough to realize that wherever I am experiencing pain in my physical body is always about an emotional issue. No matter how convincing my mind is that it is a bodily pain, not psychosomatic in origin at all, I know now, for me, for sure, that is not true.
Last night, I surrendered to the emotions I was feeling. “I am in pain.” I said, to my love, as we walked down the street. I had to own it, out loud, as tears streamed down my face and my body curled over. With slumped shoulders I said it again, “I am in pain.”
He employed our technique of using Abraham-Hicks to get me to a better feeling thought. He held me, there on the Pearl Street Mall, sitting on a frog, on a playground, as kids played around us and I silently cried into his shoulder. He said, “I can have a job that I love.” I said, “That is too big of a leap. That’s too much of a better feeling thought. I can’t go that far. Something closer to where I am. I searched and said, “It is natural that I would be feeling this way.” That thought felt better than the previous one, “I want to die.”
It’s like unplugging from circuitry. I imagine Neo in The Matrix, unplugged from all those cords in his spine, resting on the table with hundreds of acupuncture needles in his skin as his body restores itself. Plugged in so long, I’m brainwashed.
My name is Ms. Haynes, I’m a fifth grade school teacher at an International Baccalaureate school. I spend my days with kids, I am busy, I work hard, I’ve found my purpose, my passion, I’ve known what I wanted to be since I was four. I did it. See? I’m capable. I matter. People need me.
After my lover fell asleep, I succumbed once more to the pain I was feeling. The thought running through my head was: I don’t have anything to live for. I turned it into a plea to my higher Self, my guides, my angels, “Please, help me.” Is all I could say for some time, until finally, “Show me what I have to live for.”
I know it sounds dramatic, but it’s how I felt. This letting go of something so integral to my life path, my identity, has been heartache, right up there with my experience of mourning death.
I soon found myself opening Yoga Journal magazine, at about one in the morning. I saw an ad for the Yoga Journal Conference in September in Estes Park. That is an event I have always wanted to attend, and has been on my collages, vision boards, for years. Then I remembered the ad I saw for a workshop in Tulum, Mexico. Somewhere else I have always wanted to go.
Suddenly, inspiration returns and light trickles in. I remember that I can do so many things with this freedom I have created for myself. I remember this is what it is all about. I can sit back and practice receiving that which I have dreamed of for so long.
I have given myself this gift of time and money. I have earned it.
Thailand. Bali. Mexico. Peru. Italy. Yoga Conferences. All those dreams can be reality. I can take this time to nurture myself more deeply than I ever have before.
I’m reminded of my sister/friend. There we were, we three witches. Under the full moon on the beach, late at night, after curfew.
We were breaking the law. We were naked and we were swimming in the sea of the great and powerful mother ocean.
My friend allowed herself to be completely swept up in the current and tossed about to and fro by the crashing waves. She kept repeating, “Receive Her!” “Receive Her!”
Yes, let’s. May we all open wide to receive Her, She, the Goddess of great bounty!
She is me and I am she. Let me open in all ways that I can, be charged with her fierce, Pele flowing lava, power that erupts in violent fire spewing from the depths.
Let it shake up my life, crack holes in all I know and crumble it to pieces, only to rise up a new mountain, sturdy, strong. lasting.
And so it is.
With all the love in my heart, and all the deep, hot flowing lava of Pele’s great storms,
Rachel, Receive Her, Claire, A.K.A. Mystic Mamma, The Creative Muse, Ms. Haynes.
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