A Life of Mistakes or Magnificent Miracles?

“The Greek word for “return” is nostos. Algos means “suffering.” So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return.”
Milan Kundera, Ignorance

I’m at a point in my life of deep reflection and questioning. I am thirty-four years old, not married, no kids. I put all that off to build a career that I just left. I look around and nothing is as I expected it would be and I am grappling with some monumental questions.

Is the best of my life behind me?

Did I make a mistake?

Will I ever feel fulfilled again?

Can I trust? Will Creator really guide my life?

Am I meant to meet certain people and will they be magnetically brought to me?

Is it all unfolding perfectly with divine timing?

Will I look back, triumphantly and say, I did it! I created a life of my dreams! I manifested everything I desired and more, far beyond my wildest dreams!

Or, will I look back and wonder if I could have been happier if I made a different choice? Will I surrender to an outcome that is okay, but not really what I had envisioned?

Will I be resigned to a life of what ifs and if only?

My mother was madly in love with a man at 18. The night they met he said, meeting you has changed everything. They married in a small chapel and settled in to their dream life.

Then he started staying out late and chasing women. His brother came around and comforted my lonely mother. His brother informed her that her husband was running around on her.

One of those late and lonely nights, his brother’s offer of comfort turned into a wee bit more, and from their connection, a child was born.

Enter, me. Yes, that’s right, my mother and my father conceived me while my mom was married to my father’s brother. My mom and dad moved into a small place together and raised me until I was two. They never married.

Then, my mom, unhappy, left, without my father even knowing.  For years, she nursed a broken heart and tried to make sense of the unfolding of a life much different from that of her dreams and best intentions. She was a young, single mother with the child of her beloved’s brother.

My mother never remarried.

Her husband married twice more, had three more children, divorced, and now lives alone.

As for my father, he married twice, had five children, including me, has no real relationship with any of them and lives alone, in his dead father’s house.

I don’t want to be her. I don’t want to be him. I don’t want that life. I don’t want to look back and see that life happened to me. I want to happen to my life.

“Everything changes when you start to emit your own frequency rather than absorbing the frequencies around you, when you start imprinting your intent on the universe rather than receiving an imprint from existence.” Barbara Marciniak

I live my life with a few key beliefs, they are as follows:

Life is divinely orchestrated and I am not really in control. Thy will be done.

I am sustained by the love of God.

Life just keeps getting better and better.

The best is yet to come.

My life will unfold beyond my wildest dreams.

Yet, that is not what happened for my parents. Nor their parents. Nor the ones before them.

In fact, I am getting older. I am losing elasticity in my skin. My hair is graying. I have gained weight. Who’s to say that the best of my years are not behind me?

Where does this deep yearning inside come from, the still, small, voice that urges me on, believing that I have miracles to make?

“We are homesick most for the places we have never known.”
Carson McCullers

Where did I get such fantastical ideas about my greatness and the blessings that I will receive?

Was I born with intrinsic wisdom? Did I come in with different belief systems? Am I a change agent, a catalyst, here, incarnated on earth to break the link in a long line of genes that passed down a message of suffer and hard and pain, or am I beyond delusional?

It’s a Tuesday at Starbucks and I am wrestling with deep questions in my heart and mind. I want to believe that I am a powerful creator, I create my own reality, I can manifest! Still, there are the demons inside, the inner critic, the mind that says, lady, you are destined to fail.

And today, Testify Tuesday, is the day on my blog where I will testify to something I believe in. So here it is: We are not destined to fail. We are not destined to live the life that our ancestors lived, nor is our past an indicator of our future.

Hear me well, dear one, we are the chosen ones. I feel it. You and I, we will live a far greater life than we can now imagine. The time has come, a new earth is emerging and the future will be bright with light and love and balance and peace.

For some of you, your dreams are unfolding, you are on the path, you have it now. You have manifested and you know your power.

For some, you are like me, and there are days and ways in which you wonder, is there more for me?

Play with your visions. See your heart’s desires in your mind’s eye, these gifts, and so much more, are yours. All your desires have birthed your dreams and they are available to you now. Our only work is to peel away the protective layers around our heart so we can receive the bounty we are meant to receive.

We are angels on earth. We are here to experience love, to know our light. To joyously experience the gifts and abundance of our creator.

We would not want it if it were not available for us to have it.

“If you can conceive it, you can achieve it!” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

We are light workers. We are healers. We are artists and dancers, and though we must face the shadows, we are destined to triumph. It is written in the stars.

I know what you do. I have seen you. You wrestle in your heart and mind at night while you lay awake in your bed. You do kind things for strangers. You give. You make art. You walk through the ache, heal your own heart, and emerge renewed.

You do yoga and offer the fruits of your labor to those you love. You sit in meditation retreats for weeks to heal from the inside out. You risk. You show up. You speak your truth. You dream a dream in your beautiful heart and cradle it like a babe.

You are warriors. You are champions. You are my beloved, here at this time on earth, to bring forth the balanced way of light and harmony and peace for all beings. You are so brave. So strong. So magnificent. I came here to be with you. I am here to know you. To see the divine in you and know it is in me. I testify! We are divine my loves, we are God! Testify!

Thank you.

Thank you for loving. Thank you for stretching where it hurts. Thank you for surrendering to your deepest aches and being reborn in the places where you got kicked. You are so amazing and I am here to testify, baby, you are so fine!

In Love We Trust,

Rachel, Cradle Dreams in our Heart, Claire.

All photos courtesy of Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Advertisements

5 responses to “A Life of Mistakes or Magnificent Miracles?

  1. :: thank you as always Rachel, i love tapping into your thoughts like this. I am grateful that you are willing to share so openly and freely with all of us. You are so amazing and I am here to testify, baby, YOU are so fine! I love you ::

  2. Wow, sweet one…you just made me cry. I have been grappling with these same questions and thoughts, too. Thank you for putting voice to something I think a lot of people are feeling and thinking about these days. Life is so beautiful, so inspiring, and also difficult and painful for us all so much of the time. This life really seems to aim at teaching us the lessons of non-attachment. If we could really be open to and even “prefer what is occurring” we would be happy, just to be alive. And, yet, it seems we are here to create. To create the life we dream of…such a paradox…Do we create or accept what is?
    But, as I read the last part of your post, I felt so much love beaming into my heart and I was reminded that it’s all about love. If we can learn to love, it doesn’t matter what the physical form looks like. Thank you for loving so much. Thank you! Preach it!!(I can really see you as a preacher in a really cool church of some sort!)

    • Thank you so much, Malaine. I deeply appreciate your willingness to read my words and receive the heart of my message. I am honored that you would read. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Love. Yes, here to love, as love! Let’s start a church and preach it up, sistah! 🙂

  3. Pingback: Feel Your Feelings to Find Health « Rachel Claire Haynes·

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s