“A boy’s rite of passage into manhood is when he stops seeing women, children, and animals as sources of personal gratification and instead sees them as recipients of his manful, loving bounty.” ~Patricia Allen
Ladies, all the ladies. I know, we may get an uproar about this one, too. Can you imagine?! If all the ladies just quit giving it up so easy?
In her book, Dr. Pat Allen says, “no free sex.” This doesn’t mean you charge him a fee for your services. This means that you do not give him sex without a commitment.
Women fall in love through bonding physically, men fall in love through making and keeping their commitments.
This article is for you if you want to have a committed, monogamous relationship with a masculine man and you prefer to be feminine. This article is for you if you’d like to marry, have children, and you have given it up to sexy guys casually hoping that maybe you’ll end up married anyway.
So, why pass on the sex?
I’ve got one word for you: Oxytocin.
Oxytocin is a pleasurable, bonding hormone released when we are on our way to orgasm, and when we orgasm. It is that beautiful moment when you are shrouded in utter love and adoration for your man and you feel so good and so close and so bonded.
Men and women both have oxytocin, but women have much more and it affects them differently. A woman will bond to her man after one instance of good sex.
A man may feel bonded too, especially if he has more right-brained, feminine tendencies, but he can easily go off and bond with other women, as well.
Women bond differently, we may find our independent self feeling needy.
We love their smell, their touch, the sound of their voice. If we keep contact with these things, we can stay bonded to a man for a year or longer, from one sexual encounter, as long as we keep getting a fix, even if it is only via his voice.
This sets many women up for some heartache. Lovingly giving oneself to a man, too early, if what you want is a monogamous, committed, sexual relationship, will leave you longing for a man who probably assumes if you gave it up so quick, you can handle the repercussions.
Too often, I have been that girl. You know the one, you may have been her, too. She thinks that if she gives to a man and has sex that he will fall in love with her. She thinks that if she is easy-going, cool, not needy, that he will just dig her and make her his gal. This is only true if your guy is a narcissist.
As Dr. Allen says, “A man cannot fall in love with a woman who is not already in love with herself. A woman who loves a man better than herself risks an addictive obsession in which she loses herself completely in service of his narcissistic ego. This is, classically speaking, the woman who will do anything for a man.”
When we are not honest up front with our men about what we don’t want, or how we feel about what they do want, and end up having sex too soon, then we do a disservice for everyone and end up being bonded to a man who can’t give us what we want and we know, that’s painful.
To alleviate this epidemic, we must draw a line and NOT have sex with men unless we have a commitment. This commitment is for continuity, longevity and monogamy. We want to know that he has time to spend with us, intends to be here for an extended time, and will only sleep with us.
If you are a woman like me, who wants to find a partner with whom you could settle down, perhaps marry and have a child or two, then the old paradigm of being masculine by giving it up too soon will not accomplish finding a man who can meet you where you are.
Growing up, I thought that being feminine meant giving. That’s the model I’ve seen. Women cook, clean, birth children, care for them, support their man, do the dishes.
Except, this isn’t feminine at all. The feminine receives.
I am having to unlearn what I thought it meant to be a woman, self-sacrificing, and realize that it’s not only okay, but necessary that I fill up myself first with love, take care of me, and then receive from the men in my life. He will receive too, by virtue of me receiving. One gives, one receives, and that creates the sacred, eternal, figure-eight loop.
Receive your man, whatever he offers in the beginning in the way of kind gestures, cherishing comments, dates, flowers, gifts, and do not give in return. You give by being admiring of your man and showing up fully as you are, in love with yourself first. That is feminine.
If you are bonded before you’ve asked if he is open to commitment, marriage, or having children, then, good luck. That can be a sticky place, that takes time to extract oneself from, as just seeing him, touching him, or hearing his voice will keep the attachment going.
No sex before commitment. That is it.
“So, while it may be in a man’s best interest to find a woman who will give him casual sex, it is not in yours, unless you’re man enough to “get laid” which is far different from making love. “Making love” is based on the feminine principle of a relationship; the relationship is built on friendship and expressed through sex. “Getting laid” is based on the masculine principle of sharing sexual gratification with a friendly partner.” ~ Dr. Pat Allen